Liquid Plumber

Problem: Bathroom sink draining very slowly even after several applications of drain cleaner.
Solution: Dismantle trap and remove clog. (I'm an intelligent female. I can do this!)
Problem: Trap isn't clogged...? Hmmm....
Solution: Snake out the straight pipe that disappears into the wall.
Problem: Found!
Solution: Drag out pieces of a hairy clog big enough to choke a horse (gag...shudder...ugh!)
                Proudly reassemble the plumbing, wipe up mess, run water and check for leaks.
Problem: Uh Oh! Now the sink doesn't drain AT ALL! (grumble, groan.)
Solution: Not sure yet. Back to workroom for different tool.
Problem: Dog has decided to get sick in the bathroom doorway.
Solution: Thank God for sister who takes pity on frustrated faux-plumber and cleans up
                after nauseous dog.
             
...why is the work room sink faucet dripping? Did I not turn it off completely when I washed up? No problem...just...

Problem! BIG PROBLEM! The cold water handle of the workroom sink shoots off the
                second I touch it, hitting the metal duct work overhead with a clang, followed by a
                very cold fountain of water shooting several feet in the air and filling the floor!
Solution: DUCK! Scream for help!
Problem: Ducking and screaming doesn't work. It's still raining. Inside!
Solution: Kneel down in accumulating puddle of water to turn off the water line.
                Thank compassionate sister for the dry towel. Brrr!
Problem: Now the workroom sink is out of order.

Where was I again (as I wring out my dripping shirt)? Oh, yeah, back to Problem #1...or was that Problem #4?

Problem: Completely plugged sink. (Resist urge to bang head against bathroom sink.)
Solution: Disassemble the pipes. Again.
Problem: Plumber's snake isn't dislodging clog. Sigh! (Who am I to think I can be
                a plumber?)
Solution: Sister rides to the rescue with a wet/dry shop vac. Ah Ha! SUCK the clog out.
                Sounds like it's working! (shudder...oh, the smell!) Ok, let's try this again.
                Reassemble plumbing -- not quite as proudly this time, wipe up the growing mess,
                run water to check for leaks.
Success! The sink drains beautifully! (if you can call this mess beautiful...shut up, mirror!)
Problem: Bathroom is a WRECK!
Solution: Clean bathroom and replace all the stuff that goes under the sink.
               (Do we really need all this?)
Problem: Shop vac needs cleaning up. The workroom sink is still out of
                commission, and at 20°F, the outside faucets are frozen up.
Solution: Set the shop vac outside in the snow. Hang up plumbing apron and wait for
                the guys to come home! Just call me...Liquid (sopping wet) Plumber!

On second thought...Don't Call Me! Call a real plumber!

Moral of the story: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME! JUST MOVE AWAY!

(No animals were harmed in this attempt at plumbing.)